I was then sent a copy of my mothers memoirs (laughably sad) to explain what an awful life shed had as if I didnt know it already! Its amazing what a narcissistic parent can do to mentally screw their child 100%. I received a reply telling me what a lovely time shed had with the kids (the kids she knows she is playing a huge part in me not seeing). Please, please talk to anyone who will listen. My mother calls him up because she feels like shes being attacked about a meme that was shared on FB by my aunt (as everything had to be about the narcissist) and he reluctantly gets involved. You can correct a negative behavior when you become aware of it, but I wasnt aware. Im there right now. My gifts and my self are hiding deep in a cave so the NarcMother cannot steal the all of me. They like Ed about me and keept my son and then 10 yrs later her sick daughter like her they worked together to deceive and lie to get my 2 yo baby after kidnapping and horrific ly abusing her blaming, projecting and my beautiful 32 yo son and I last saw each other when he was 18 my daughter at 15yo. No one can fathom this type of break and do not understand the dysfunctional dynamics of my family. I was already 42 when I went no contact with my father, without fully understanding why I couldnt stand listening to him, even from a phone, at 400 miles of distance. When you understand something, secure your step like a climber and dont go backwards. It festers inside you, I wish everyone of you here, victory and freedom from your evil abusers. Feel down all the time. Like the movie Tangled lol. In 10 months my mother hasnt reached out once to say how do we repair things? I ended up feeling suicidal and I literally begged to take a break for my mental health how disgusting is that, that a child should have to plead with a parent to consider the impact their behaviour is having on them? Its going to be heard one way or another. Sounds like youre starting a whole new chapter and Im excited for you, thank you for sharing this. He falls down- and hes dead before he hits the floor. Ive had a lot of concussions from where she would take anything- dishes or even to cans of food and hit me in the head. Since you mentioned it, let me tell you what I think. I want to scream in her face, I want to throw away all her precious jewelry and burn all her beloved clothes. Also the zillions of passive aggressive and critical comments such as your husband should have bought a bigger house so I could come and stay, why are you walking the dogs at this time of night? Article is almost 100% right. I finally realized it was her who had the problem not me. Im glad these poisoness mothers can no longer hide behind the myth of Mother is Everything. All our stories are very similar which is weird but more than anything thats what convinced me. I dont need to go there anymore. After 4 years of no contact I had to go to her because of calls from the police, social worker, neighbors. Lol I walked away and have never looked back. There are no words to describe this rage, and you wont understand it unless youve experienced it for yourself. Its yours, and you get to choose how to use it. They will do something thats a no no- and at times I can handle it correctly and then other times its like I get sucked back into my memory- I get a flash of when I was a child and did something similar and how my mother handled it. I wish I could have gone no contact with both of them decades ago. Im trying to keep myself from not ending my life. I feel like therapy and reading about others experiences is helping to save my life and my future self. Its hard to believe that my mother didnt even try to reach out, but it confirmed what I already knew: She is the victim, is always right, and I am the wrongdoer. This article made me break down crying knowing how much pain I had endured alone, how much I been through to make it alive to this day. My letters got returned unread, and my rage was ignored by them, but you acknowledged it in the moment and that has been enough. A part of me does it to spite her, and another part does it in spite of her. The emotional support you need from your mother or father doesnt exist. I can relate. After you go through all this and waste all this time and energy, youre no better off than you were before you spoke to them. It was her reason for living, and always had been. I keep getting triggered and its awful. People with severe cognitive dissonance cant be reached or reasoned with. It was something I could do that was always there, and its a never-ending project. The rest of us are empathetic and feel others pain. I send gifts all the time and put little videos on my YouTube channel for them to see. My beautiful daughter innocent and helpless to drug clear on opposite side of us so we couldnt be together I tried so hard so many things she had STOCKHOLM SYNDROME, TRAMA BONDING which is the desperate will to survive her abuse. I ended up crawling back because I just couldnt cope. Therapy is also an excellent part of the process. Dont let these people win. Never know if she loves me Ive even asked her and she annoyingly retorts yeah! NM died 6 months ago, finally, at 89 yo. Anyone whos been researching how to handle a narcissist knows confronting a narcissist never works. Its het loss she missed out on having a great friend and daughter!! I live with my in laws and they are a good functioning family- and they are fully aware of what my mother is. Thank you for this. I was the first to realize she was a narcissist and then everything just made sense with how she is. I know that her childhood was miserable but I cant care about that anymore. For years I researched mental health because I couldnt understand why I was the way I was. Its hard to leave the past self in the past. Sometimes mothers are emotionally unavailable, unable to be present, or simply dont like their children. And go to school the next day. Even my brothers unborn child had been mentioned. 15 years sober and a clear picture of myself and clean conduct has revealed the severity of ugliness my mother thrives on. I hope you and your sibling can stick together and lean on each other for support. Youve done your best with her. You are not the sick one they are. Keep your chin up and keep financially afloat. I dont usually open up so I think this is all the pent-up frustration talking. And I wont miss dad when he goes either. Overall, my conclusion is that this is the last Christmas I come back as the best ones Ive had have either just been my partner and I or spent with friends. I guess its that child part in me still hoping for something that will never come but its exhausting acting like the only mature person in the family despite being the one with emotional problems! Your story is so similar to mine, except my mother rejected both my children, which Im okay with. I didnt expect this anger. I went through a mourning period for my mother, and she is still alive. Im working with a therapist doing inner child work and its really helping. She called my younger sister and moved in with her and her husband. Hi Lisa, Yet he can have a relationship with my mother? A narcissist cant comprehend unconditional love. (She never accomplished anything, never had a job, made her children do all the housework and childcare, made her children buy their own clothes, food and even medical necessities as soon as they could get jobs ( age 13 to 14, yep).That is why she refused to die; she still had a well of vileness in her she didnt want to go to waste. So Im still angry at my mother for her part in my brothers death. Im so sorry for the loss of your brother. Hi dchaox, Im not mature enough to let anger go at this time. It was true I self harmed cuz all I had was pain and loneliness so why not hurt myself so I could feel something cuz I was so numb. I am so mad my face is red, my heart is racing and swear my eyes shook a little. Which is a lie because I had already ran away from her before we had gotten together. I do not consider myself an angry person at all. Her opinion means nothing to me anymore it does not count, and she knows this. Its also exhausting, so lots of rest and dont expect too much from yourself as far as daily tasks and chores. A family who has abused you deserves to be shut out completely!! Ive heard from her a couple of times since then but only because she wanted information about my aunt. I wouldve been her biggest fan and most supportive cheerleader in life, but she could not receive that love. It takes just a little longer than you think it should. . But your entire article is so much how I feel. I had to take time out of each day to sit with it and be with it. I just came to the realization that my mother has narcissistic and borderline personality disorder tendencies. Thank you, awareness is everything, Im glad this helps. I learned to give this part of me some respect because its extremely powerful, as Im sure youre aware of that. You dont matter to them even if youre their own child. When it would come bubbling up, I would ask it what its trying to tell me, and it would show me. I own that now, but its difficult to meet new people and connect. Thanks for stopping by. And when I come back Im just standing there usually with my mother in law snapping her fingers in front of my face, talking calmly trying to call me back to now. My brother would not meet up with me or let me see my nephew and niece even though he came on holiday to the area I live. And I was always tardy. And the road to recovery is long. Im sorry, I just wanted to tell you BOY do I resonate with what you wrote. Thats not true anymore either. They dont want you to get better. This is scary accurate. i am 33 but i have a neurodegenerative illness and so im stuck at home still depending on both my narcissitic parents. And that was what led to me going no contact. Consider Online-Therapy (20% off affiliate link). If it doesnt come out or isnt allowed to come out, theres nowhere else for it to go but in. The holiday spirit is a false idealogy, in my opinion, created by corporate greed to encourage consumerism. I feel so fortunate to have found this website and to have the opportunity to visit and express ourselves here, in safety, concerning the horrific debilitation that occurs at the trauma associated with narcissistic relation/abuse. The pandemic has had a way of forcing people to slow down and go within to find answers. Why a person would choose to not heal in any way is beyond my understanding, but here we are. Im glad you found it. Trying to suppress it will only enrage this part of you more. OMG. Thank you for your kind and healing words. For myself, I feel like a lot of it has been expressed in violent dreams too. Her reasoning was I would not have to walk through the house to go to the bathroom. There is only their opinion. We have had periods of estrangement throughout my adult years, but this needs to be the end. Thank you for your article. Im still in the trenches with these evil f*vkers. He fell over with a heart attack- after getting involved with my mothers drama. For the longest time I thought I was the problem but it turns out she was, and she never admitted that she was the problem because her coping mechanism is to destroy others. So I let her have it a month after dad died ans she had EVERY chance and opportunity to reach out to her daughter. You have every right to be angry, and the rage will be there for a while, so give yourself something to do. It took a long time but now I finally see things for how they truly are. Its our bodys way of crying out that a TERRIBLE INJUSTICE has been perpetrated against us many times over..and we were NEVER HEARD! It is like a well of anger and despair. I am the poor bastid taking care of her and she enjoys the effin attention. You go home after being around them again, and the rage sets in. Yeah, me. Shes your mother and family is everything. Or Just be the bigger person and apologize. Apologize for being called a slut for a streak left on the front door after I cleaned it. Its been 2weeks with a woman with pregnancy brain and a not good memory anyway. And told them as adults that she wishes they would die in a car accident . Sooooo many years of that sht. One day at a time! Once they know youre between a rock and a hard place AND dependant on them somehow, they feed off you like a fcking vulture on a dead carcass. They are there for a reason, and Im sure your subconscious wants you to know the truth about the fact that whatever is going on with your mother, you didnt deserve to be diminished or dismissed, and her issues are not your fault. One day, Ill mature and let this go. Im.the one with the life she sabotaged and destroyed. I still try to do the right thing because I am scared of being punished or feeling like the bad person but am asking myself is it worth it? etc. Thank you for this posting. And its YOUR fault for reacting, your crazy. I dont have anyone to share this with. She was emotionally abusive at the time of my fathers death and I was absolutely disgusted and enraged by it. Thank you for giving me some comfort that I am not totally insane. And when I say malignant, I mean it. Im very thankful for it now, it woke me up! The first year of my marriage I would talk to my mother and I even hoped that we might be able to have a normal relationship because I had found out my husband and I were expecting our first child. Damn straight its not h3 age, youre right, mines always been this way..evil, lying, conniving..just a real Fkd up mother. So yeah. I guess im a chameleon! It makes things easier. Thank you , I this article two lines in begining para define narcissist parent completely. You have to allow yourself to process this crap and bring it to the surface. But guess what? Anyone else have mothers who told them their whole childhood that she wishes they were dead? I reached out when my cousin died only to be hung up on, sent a passive aggressive text and then blocked. I feel enraged whenever I see her. (She had insurance and assets to afford the very best private care available, but it didnt suit her notion of being the queen dictator, who could keep her elderly children spinning around, always trying to please her and always failing. Once you understand whats been going on, youre going to be pissed for a very long time. Not so sure I havnt trusted her. Anyway, he gets involved and then calls mom back. Theres a new technique Im learning called QHHT, which is pretty amazing too. This is exactly what Ive been trying to deal with on my own since my 40s. The rage of being blamed and abused and psychologically programmed to pick abusers for the rest of my life knocks me on my ass.